Are you happy at work? Given the statistics that say 53% of people are unhappy in their current job the odds are that if you are happy your partner, or someone you care about is not. 

 Liking what you do is not only a vital ingredient of career success but also health and mental well-being. When people don’t do the things they love their health can suffer. Common signs of neglecting passion or staying trapped in a job that they don’t enjoy can include:

    * Headaches

    * Insomnia

    * Tiredness

    * Depression

    * Low self –esteem

    * Lack of confidence

    * Irritability

The body never lies, however, many people soldier on ignoring the obvious warning signs their body is giving them. With all that negativity it’s no wonder personal relationships take a hammering. People shut down, relationships end, divorce rates soar and physical abuse rears its ugly head.

If your partner or someone you care for is unhappy what do you do? I've been thinking about this a lot myself lately. Making your partner happy is a great feeling, particularly when they seem upset. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that when your loved ones are happy, you are more likely to be happy too.

However it's not always easy to help those close to you. As a natural problem solver my instinctive tendency is to jump in and do what I can to make everything all right. However, in my personal relationships this doesn’t always have the desired results. My partner shuts down and feels like I am just one of many people telling him what he could, should and must do.

As one of my friends said the other day, “When I sat down and heard myself telling my partner what was upsetting me, I realized that what seemed like such a big problem was not so huge afte rall. I realized that I had been making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Active listening

 “I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention, especially if it’s given from the heart.” - Rachel Remen

 The quotes above and below powerfully sum up the transformational power of listening.

 "To “listen” another's soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another." -Douglas Steele, Author of A Random Harvest 

We are born with two ears and one mouth, yet often it seems that people spend a disproportionate time talking and far less time actively listening to another person. Yet as the quote above highlights, listening is often the “greatest service that any human being ever performs for another.” 

Being an active listener is one of the key components of listening well.

The key components of active listening includes:

• Showing Empathy And Building Rapport
• ‘Just Listening’
• Using Clarifying Questions
• Dealing With Content – Paraphrasing
• Reflecting Feelings
• Summarising
• Acknowledging Blocks To Listening
• Awareness of Filters

 ACKNOWLEDGING BLOCKS TO LISTENING

Enhance your ability to listen by reading through the common barriers to good listening. How many can you personally identify with?

Anticipating what might be said and leading the conversation without giving adequate space for the other to share.

• Filtering is listening to some things and not to others.  It is hearing only what you want to hear, half listening while focusing on things other than what is really being said.
• Identifying is referring everything to your own experience and immediately sharing of that experience instead of responding to the others experience.
• Comparing is responding with the approach that, "others cope", or saying "this is the way it has been for years and nobody has complained before" which is an inappropriate response. Every situation is different. 
• Mind Reading is attempting to determine/guess what the other is really thinking or saying before you have listened to the person’s story.
• Rehearsing is concentrating on what you are going to say next without taking on board/assessing what is being said and integrating this in your response.
• Judging is putting a value understanding on what you are hearing and allowing such an understanding to negatively impact the person.  This ‘value judgment’ may arise from your previous knowledge/understanding of an individual, experience of similar situation, response of manager in past, etc.
• Advising is offering advice, suggestions or possible solutions which do not allow the individual to determine the course of action for themselves.  Advising is not appropriate when it is used as a problem solving approach.
• Sparring is focusing on aspects of what has been shared that you do not agree with and openly saying so, ie getting into potential conflict situations on the shared issues.  Responding with genuinely held contrary views, feelings, etc or countering with sarcasm or put-downs is not helpful.
• Being Right is expounding what you perceive to be right and may indicate your inability to be open to what is being said ie open to change, open to criticism, open to being corrected etc.
• De-railing is changing the subject or joking or referring to things other than what is obviously the central issue.  Such an attitude and response diverts and devalues what is being shared.
• Dreaming is not staying focused on what is being shared because of an association with what is being shared and your own experience.
• Placating is just agreeing with/accepting everything that is being said without constructive feedback, questioning, empathy etc.

  AWARENESS OF FILTERS

 There are a multitude of filters that affect what we hear and how we hear it. 

• Our own personal needs
• Prejudices
• Culture
• Family norms
• Expectations
• Past experiences
• Desires
• Gender
• Sexual orientation
• History
• Attitudes
• Preconceptions about the speaker
• Established motivations
• Physical environment
• Values and view of life
• Interests
• Strong feelings
• Assumptions
• Strongly held beliefs
• Power relations

Help people generate their own solutions

 While listening can be one of the most helpful things you can do for another person, over time staying stuck in problems can take its toll. Adopting some solutions focused language skills can shift people from talking about problems to creating their own solutions. Instead of launching into generating solutions for them try posing some well structured questions.

 Some useful solutions focused questions include:

• When was (the problem) not so bad?
• On a scale of 1-10 - 10 being (the problem is really bad) and 1 being not that bad, how would you rate the problem. Why not worse? How come so good?

Stress less

Increasing stress levels and a lack of worklife balance really wreck havoc with happiness@work levels. Click here to learn how to stress less and achieve more. Regain some balance here 

 Get inspired

Help people get inspired by forwarding interesting links, articles and resources their way. Eventually they’ll get the message that there’s a land of opportunity out there just waiting for them to till the soil

Patience and passion - Interesting link

Check out this interesting and timely reminder about the importance of living and working with passion. Gary Vaynerchuk’s PP message - patience and passion rings true. So many are questioning what they are doing, whether they have a true passion for it. Gary's message: if you are not doing what you do with passion, stop doing it! OR in his own words “There is no reason to do shit that you hate." Click here to hear Gary's thought provoking talk

 Life and career coaching

Encourage people to take control or their career and let us help them achieve their dreams. The Worklife Solutions team of life and career coaches are here to help in whatever way we can – please feel free to email or telephone us if you would like to know how our “Free To Be Me” life coaching programme or “Passion Driven Work” career coaching could help you or your loved ones achieve greater success, health and prosperity.  We'd love to help you work out where you are now, where you want to be, and how you can get there.

Working with a Worklife career and life coach can help you:

• Clarify your dreams and goals
• Motivate you to take action
• Increase your confidence and self-esteem
• Increase your satisfaction and happiness
• Fulfill your potential
• Save time and money
• Earn what you deserve
• Break free of habits that sabotage your success

Coaching programmes start from as little as $150 +gst. Please  contact us for a confidential no obligation needs assessment. Further details can be found on our website: http://www.worklifesolutions.co.nz/servind.php

Happy@work: job-hunting for mid-lifers+

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As a recent reviewer said, “Designed for disgruntled mid-lifers no longer happy in their work, this book is worth a look for anyone willingly or unwillingly, facing the need to revisit what they really want from their work life and gives advice on how best to manage a change process “

You can download free chapters and pre-purchase a signed copy from www.cassandragaisford.com - click here to be taken straight to the link

Be patient and stay positive

No matter how unhappy your partner or loved one is being patient is a must to make the relationship work. During times of stress negative emotions can be hard for all parties to contain  Try and stay positive and make a commitment not to make any negative comments to each other regardless how sad, mad, frustrated or anxious to find a workable solution you are. Try to keep things in perspective – better to be loved and supported, loving and supporting than to lose it all. Open, loving communication is critical and making room for some fun is a great cure for the career blues.